farters have to be the big spoon...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
