how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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