My liver just broke up with me...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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