Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
