dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
