Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
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