I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
