I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
