dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
