there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
