meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
