I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
