There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
we should paint friendship bongs
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