its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
