Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
