i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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