Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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