First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
