Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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