ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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