I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
