My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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