mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
