You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
