I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
