Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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