:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
