haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My cat gives me a boner
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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