how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
