I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
