Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
