How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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