This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
