i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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