Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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