I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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