So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
