don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
