I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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