I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
