I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Randomize
