walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
