Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
