I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
