he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
