She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The feeling are messing with the penis
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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