I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Someone signed my nipple.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
