i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
