Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
