I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
