I think I won the penis lottery.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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