The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
